One of those days

Did you ever have one of those days? Of course you have, who am I kidding. Good, then perhaps you'll get this.

[I would like to preface this with the thought that in all of my suffering, I have food, shelter, a fabulous family, and I don't have to wear a gas mask to go out the door. I am not a starving child in Africa, nor am I an exploited female sex worker in Asia or Europe. I know I am one lucky girl.]

I couldn't sleep again last night. So I woke up and went directly back to bed. When I did get up I managed to watch part of the president's speech before falling asleep on the couch. This was followed by my landlord slamming the door. For the first time it was a good thing. I got up and showered and ready for school. I finished my reading and did my online stuff. Seems like an ordinary day.

The bus trip went well. They gave me my refund check at school. Class wasn't bad and I have an appointment for tomorrow with my professor. Then things started turning funky (though I have to say a good portion of the day really was good. This is cheering me up). The bus was twenty minutes late. This did however result in me not having to sit and wait for my connection. I got my mail.

I found a bug on the table by the window. It would not die. There is spray on the table and the carpet now. The answering machine was flashing and I was so excited to get a mesage. It was Financial Aid saying they over awarded me and from which of my loans would I like to send money back? Now I have been stressing about money for days ... I hate money ... and I have been trying out how I am going to scrape by and pay off my credit cards which took a huge hit with really unexpected move-in costs, and now I am not getting as much financial aid as I thought. Fan-freaking-tastic.

I forgot I was supposed to babysit tonight, so I made a really crappy snack version of a quesidilla (spelled wrong, I know). The oil from which (I feel so disgusting for even eating it) spilled on the tablecloth. Fun. {BREAK}

Babysitting was fun and I made a little money too. Then I came home and watched shows wiothout commercials due to my excellent ability to control a TiVo remote. Really I guess the day wasn't "one of those." I was having a bad hour, and that was the one I decided to sit down and write during. Speaking of bad hours....

Je me deteste un peu. C'est pas grand - mais au meme temps... Mon situation au moment c'est pas tragique ... seulment que je n'etais pas pret pour ma vie comme une etudiante (est-ce qu ca vraiment feminine?). Ce n'est pas comme en France ... en anglais je suis beaucoup trop fort (mon personalite). Je ne trouve pas les amis rapidement ici. En francais, j'etais timide au debut, parce que j'etais nulle (pour le plupart). Apres le premier weekend avec les Champagnules, j'ai grandi. Mais en anglais il n'y a pas un excuse. Regardez, maintenant j'ecris en francais parce que j'ai peur que ma famille ou mes amis anciens vont lire que j'ai peur. C'est bete, je sais. Mais je veux les autres penser que je suis plus sur de moi que le verite.

{BREAK}

Dana and I just had a little heart to heart. This time it was me who needed to kind of work things out. The truth is that I don't have it all together. I was just writing about how scared of telling people that I was. But then I remembered what I learned at Taize about God entering your heart through your vulnerabilities. Here is the truth.

I am often scared. I get upset, angry, confused, befuddled, jealous, and nervous. I make mistakes. Lots of them. I trip over those stupid sidewalk sections that are uneven. And even though it is sort of a new thing, I even have to study to learn things. I am not as smart as I put on.

I am honest though. I feel bad about feeling bad because I feel like lots of other people have it so much harder than I do. If God only gives you what you can handle than what amazing hearts and souls some people have. I am lucky, blessed, and surrounded by good people. That being said, I have the right to feel bad sometimes. I am allowed to be jealous. I am absolutely, positively entitled to my feelings.

So you should know that. I mean, I don't think I'm as secretive about my inner workings as I would like to imagine, so you probably already knew all of that. But I needed to say it. For me. Because I don't have to be perfect. More than that, I don't have to pretend to be perfect or pretend to have faults I don't so that I can fit in. To paraphrase a line from a cheesy teeny-bopper movie, I shouldn't try to fit in - I was born different. I know it was mostly my hair, but the curls are a sign of how wickedly wacky I am.

I'm preaching to the choir, you know how strange I am. But I know you've had one of those days at some point. Those days when you feel really crappy about yourself, or think that everything has gone wrong. Maybe it was even a whole week. The thing is, you are worth so much. You are a valuable human being. Your quirks (those things about yourself you don't like all that much), I love them (well, maybe not all of them for all of you ... but at least one per person), other people love them, they are part of what defines you. And we can all agree that changing ourselves is a bad plan. So stay you (as the song says). BE you. You are a person of great worth.

I wish I could see you all right now and tell you that to your faces. Just know I am thinking it. Missing the hugs I can't give you, love always, ~Heather