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Go Fish


Today Emeline, a student of mine from France, wrote me an email. I was so thrilled to hear from her. I felt so ... happy, for lack of a better word. Also, about four people had written on my facebook wall. Glad.

Then someone came over. One of those friends who only calls when they need you or they are feeling guilty they haven't called. He was in some serious need, because he has to face up to a situation tonight he had been planning on avoiding for a few more years. I tried to be helpful, and then I ran out of juice. I didn't even give him a hug when he started crying. (I did bring him tissues, I'm not completely devoid of emotion.)

I realized that RA Heather had taken over again; that part of me that drops everything to help the person who walked in needing me. And as I thought about that, it occurred to me that I am not an RA anymore. It is not my job to be the friend of everyone I come in contact with if they aren't willing to do the same for me. This seems so bitter and unjust, but I just don't see the point in taking on the pain of others and stopping my life to take care of their problems when the second the solution they want arises I'll be forgotten.

So in my countdown I want to include this: four more days of fishing for others, then they are just going to have to fish on their own. I want to be friends with everyone who wants to be friends with me. But instead of spending time helping resolve problems for people who could care less about me, I am going to take that time and be a good penpal to Emeline. I am going to meet my friends for lunch and catch up with them. I'm going to finally start putting together that scrapbook I've been saving stuff for my whole life. I am going to take every second I would usually spend on taking care of others who won't take care of themselves and create stronger, better friendships with the fabulous people in my life. I'm going to create memories I can share with my family some day. I am going to reclaim part of my life.

I don't think the RA in me is ever going to actually disappear - I like it too much. I love helping other people, I really, really do. I miss it when I can't. I just want to focus my attention on people who might need it more, or who are at least interested in the person who is helping them. Don't worry, if you are reading this, you are not one of those people who is getting crossed off the list. More packing to go. Love always, ~Heather


Napoleon said…
I understand you concerns; but to be someone who prods you a bit: Please don't ever lose the RA, or to better put it the Jesus, in you. We are not asked to serve others for our benefit, many times we are called to serve others at our own cost/loss. But with that said: I do also understand the disappointment and drain of one-sided friendships