Skip to main content

What's wrong?

Pain and missing always seems to go away. Things you think are the defining moments of your life - the events you worry about so intensely - end and change and cease to be important. What I fail to grasp is how to keep that relevant in my daily struggles.

I am an extremely lucky girl - I couldn't ask for much more than I have already been given. Yet in a homily I heard recently the priest explained that we shouldn't fail to go to God with even the smallest problems. I sometimes feel like that is "taking up all the tape on the answering machine" for a really busy person. I think it may be the restriction of my little human brain. This is probably the reason I don't lean on my friends or family too much either (or I try not to).

I seem to scuttle into a corner, revert to silence, and entertain myself with an abundance of unthought-provoking menial tasks. Or I dive into a season of West Wing.

* * *

One thing I like about being left alone in the apartment for long stretches of time is that no one asks what's wrong. I can just sit here and not think about what is wrong (or think about it quietly) and not have to talk about it (whatever it is). It seems like more often than not I can't even figure out what it is that seems to be bothering me.

I think that is one thing I really liked about being an RA. I could leave my door open and not have to be bothered by someone else in my space while simultaneously feeling connected to my rather noisy residents out in the hall. Plus, I always had someone else's problem to solve. Procrastination by helpfulness. That and few of them ever peppered me with the "what's wrong" question.

I think I am going to make it a new policy of mine to not ask that question. I'm going to try to be more creative instead.

I'd love to tell you that the rather somber blogs are just rants in a series of otherwise excessively happy days. However, it seems as if I am sort of going through a dry spell of happiness right now. It is sucked out of me by mental exhaustion.

This weekend is jam-packed with a birthday party, (potentially) a Wii party (I'm debating), and a Superbowl party. I'm sure I'd have fun once I got there, but it seems like alot of work just to get out to the parties. And I don't like the stress of big social events. I always feel the need to take care of everyone else (because it is absolutely certain that the volunteer list to take care of me is non-existent). Most everyone is okay with my quasi-anti-drinking policy, yet they constantly offer me alcohol. I could probably do without that.

The idea of being drunk doesn't really do much for me. I've never done it, and feel like I could hold off awhile longer quite contently. Like a few other things in my life, I feel like losing control/my inhibitions is something best reserved for specific company, pre-planned timing, and a really trustworthy person to make sure I'm okay.

This seems to be going on and on though, so I'll let you be. I hope you are having a good week and enjoying this second month of 2007. I'm working on being happy. Hope you are too! Love always, ~Heather