Odd in an Even World
Every person needs to be self-reliant. We have to support ourselves and believe in ourselves and be strong enough to defend ourselves in the "big bad world." But, I don't really think that anyone can do it alone.
You need other people. Batman has Robin. Mom has Dad. Meredith has Cristina. Everywhere you look, there are pairs. Heck, even most college mascots have significant others (who look freakishly like themselves but usually wearing a dress).
And somewhere in this mixed up equation full of numbers divisible by two, I'm odd. Don't get me wrong, I love odd numbers. Sometimes it even makes me sad that my birth year is in a decade that starts with an even number, because it means that my birthday can never just be odd (despite being prime numbers). But what does that mean for me?
It means that when I have a terribly, very bad, no good, absolutely wretched day, I come home to myself. My outlet has become volleyball - the only "place" I can go where I literally think of nothing else but the game. I'm in my zone.
But my body can't stay at volleyball forever (especially my poor knees). That means that eventually my mind has to come back too. I have to come back to the place where the world starts surrounding me and I'm standing there trying to hold the walls apart for long enough to let the air in so I can just keep breathing.
It's like the trash compactor in Episode 4 of Star Wars (A New Hope, the first of the originals), minus the other people. I do have a C3PO on the outside - my family, my friends. I know they're fighting for me, looking out for me, worrying over me. But, I'm still in a trash compactor and there is that giant snake-like thing that keeps taking the legs out from underneath me everytime I seem to get my footing. I call it self-doubt.
Because the truth is, I know I can do this alone. I've been mostly alone for most of my life. Minus 2 years of college and one year in high school, I've never really had a person. You know, that other human being who sticks to you like glue, who can't go to bed without hearing about your day, who doesn't need an excuse to come and hang out with you. I miss that.
Don't get the idea I'm being all self-pitying about it. I'm not. I feel super blessed to have had those two people, and am looking forward to whomever comes next. But, since I'm in the odd position - which the majority of the world is not - let me say to all of you who have a person, that you should thank them.
They don't have to listen to you complain when you get home from work, or pick up your dry cleaning, or make sure you have milk for breakfast. They don't have to watch college football with you on Saturdays or come home with you for Thanksgiving. You do that for each other because you love each other and you can. So, just say thanks to them for me, okay?
I promise you - oh, even numbered ones - being odd after you've been even... you do know what you're missing. And for another sensation like a heartwarming hug that feels like coming home... well, I'd be willing to be even again.
Love always, ~Heather