This weekend a friend came to town. We had a blast and I promise to go into the excellent DC adventures we had in detail in a later post. However, tonight I really want to tell a short (knowing me, probably not) story about how big change can happen in a brief visit.
So P came down for a school/job fair in DC and we got to hang out Friday night through Sunday AM. On Saturday she had us meet up with an old friend from USC. This person and I have a history (which you may recall from any of the heartsick, very occasionally gleeful, or angry posts for about nine months between 2006-07). To summarize, we were never really together - though there was significant leading on (*Guilty admission: perhaps on both sides). It "ended" when he decided to take time off from being my friend and I finally stood up for myself, and let him know that if he wanted to be friends he would need to initiate it. I haven't heard from him since.
I thought that I forgave him a long time ago. But, every time I mention him or something that we did together, I prefaced it in my mind - or out loud - with some negative adjective to help myself remember that I wasn't supposed to care or like him anymore. Which, if nothing else, was evidence that I hadn't forgotten.
So he met us out by the FDR memorial and then walked and chatted with us for awhile. And without getting into the details of the discussion, I recognized both the things I remember liking about him and the things that I really didn't. Using my much clearer hindsight, it was obvious we were never right for each other. When he left us to go have the rest of his day, I didn't know what to feel.
I wasn't sad about it, angry about it, it hadn't been awkward, there was nothing. It was nothing. And in that moment, I finally felt the forgiveness I thought I'd already granted.
I won't ever forget what happened, but like everything, it was a learning experience. Negative ending or not, we did have fun together. I don't have to like what he did, or even him, but I don't have to not like him anymore either. I can get that yucky mean-ness out of my heart.
And forgiveness is a wonderful feeling.
Catch you up on the actual adventures a bit later. Love always, ~Heather
So P came down for a school/job fair in DC and we got to hang out Friday night through Sunday AM. On Saturday she had us meet up with an old friend from USC. This person and I have a history (which you may recall from any of the heartsick, very occasionally gleeful, or angry posts for about nine months between 2006-07). To summarize, we were never really together - though there was significant leading on (*Guilty admission: perhaps on both sides). It "ended" when he decided to take time off from being my friend and I finally stood up for myself, and let him know that if he wanted to be friends he would need to initiate it. I haven't heard from him since.
I thought that I forgave him a long time ago. But, every time I mention him or something that we did together, I prefaced it in my mind - or out loud - with some negative adjective to help myself remember that I wasn't supposed to care or like him anymore. Which, if nothing else, was evidence that I hadn't forgotten.
So he met us out by the FDR memorial and then walked and chatted with us for awhile. And without getting into the details of the discussion, I recognized both the things I remember liking about him and the things that I really didn't. Using my much clearer hindsight, it was obvious we were never right for each other. When he left us to go have the rest of his day, I didn't know what to feel.
I wasn't sad about it, angry about it, it hadn't been awkward, there was nothing. It was nothing. And in that moment, I finally felt the forgiveness I thought I'd already granted.
I won't ever forget what happened, but like everything, it was a learning experience. Negative ending or not, we did have fun together. I don't have to like what he did, or even him, but I don't have to not like him anymore either. I can get that yucky mean-ness out of my heart.
And forgiveness is a wonderful feeling.
Catch you up on the actual adventures a bit later. Love always, ~Heather
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