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Au milieu, les secrets se cachent

We may have finally figured out what exactly needs to be done to fix my shoulder. That was the best sentence I could think of to start this post, even though it has nothing to do with what I am thinking about. I just finished watching The Man Without a Face. Somehow it makes me want to internalize. (Yes, LB, this is like the time I watched Nell, except I am not leaving my chair this time!)

Today was certainly interesting. This morning I met with my boss, who is difficult to communicate with - to say the least. The first thing that happened was that he brought something up in conversation he thought I needed to read, and without having read it, I spouted back the ideas from the article. It was about space and NASA, so I was at an advantage, but it threw him off-guard. Even though he knows that it is one of my areas of expertise, he seemed shocked that I was capable of not only providing him information he had just recently read, but then analyzing it - all without seeing his source.

It was empowering to know that I actually was able to put on a challenge. After all this schooling, call me whatever you wish, but I am still so often unsure that I can handle it, that I really know what I am talking about. But I did today. And last Saturday, when someone asked me about global warming, I knew how to explain it to them too. I looked around, gauged my audience, and gave the information I knew would not only be palateable, but understandable. I know I probably seem pretty snobby about my education, but I am usually as insecure as the next person.

Also today, I was inadvertently challenged to do something I have never done before: less than my actual capabilities for the full redemption of awards. Basically, I was offered an opportunity to do 1/2 the work for all of the benefits. Today was also probably the first time I ever considered just doing the bare minimum, knowing it would suffice.

I don't ever want to be that kind of person. Ever.

Here in the middle ...

To my friend stuck in the office. I hope you make it out and become a teacher. I think you will be exceptionally good at it. The next time we see each other, I expect you to have been at the front of a classroom for longer than I was.

To my volleyball pal. I hope he really is the man of your dreams and your new teaching assignment is exactly what you wanted. I lost your email address and you will probably never read this, but I wanted you to know that I miss you all the same.

And to my friend from USC - we haven't talked for I can't remember how long. But, a long time ago I did something that probably scared the be-jesus out of you. I can still see the expression on your face as we sat and talked outside afterwards. I just wanted to say I was sorry. I couldn't have known better then, but I do now. If it makes you feel any better (though you probably could care less about this, and I'm just obsessing over a plenty-year-old mistake), I won't ever do that again.

There is this turn I make, almost every single day. I get to the corner and as my right blinker clicks, I look left and wonder if that road will ever be the same again ... if it will lead the same place, carry the same cars, pave the same path. I look left and then I turn right, and know that the left will never be the same again. And, I can't decide how I feel about that.

One of my best friends senior year of college was this fabulous RA from the 7th floor. She was the sweetest thing, seriously. And she introduced me to this website called PostSecret. It is a place where people write secrets on postcards and mail them for an ever-changing blog. As a fan of this art, I have sometimes pondered what secrets I could write and then mail them in.

But I don't have a ton of secrets, and the ones I have would only be interesting to a few people anyway. Sending anonymous secrets, though entertaining and thought provoking, is not for me. I like to keep my secrets to myself (and to those who really know me).

As usual, I must go. I have a ten page foreign policy analysis to write and I need to clean up the apartment before we have company tomorrow. Plus, I am on this new trend where I am trying eating healthy things and sleeping at moderately reasonable hours. We'll see how that goes.

Love always, ~Heather