Adopting in Ashburn

I like to think of myself as a perfectly reasonable person. Except when I'm not. Of the four things that are bugging me right now, the one that is the most annoying is the one I have the least control over and the one - for all intents and purposes - I should care about the least at this point. However, it seems as if any logical argument or reasonable way of doing things goes completely out the window when I'm involved. It's like I'm my very own bad luck charm. I really hope God will humor me and explain this one day, because I'm sure there has got to be a good reason for all of this. Or there doesn't and this ridiculous anxiety is for someone else's greater good. Boo. I refuse to be perfectly reasonable tonight. I think I'll make pancakes for dinner. Love always, ~Heather

1. I'm going to be blogging even more intermittently than I am now for the next couple of weeks (hopefully less) because I so rarely have Internet access at home. Comcast is just about the suckiest service I've ever had in my home, and with any luck I'll either be rid of them or they'll have fixed everything VERY soon. 2. Cleaning my room less than once a month results in an unseemly mess. I obviously need to have more house guests so I feel more inclined to pick up after myself. Motivation, baby. Won't you be mine? 3. I feel like I've been trying really hard to do a number of things lately. I think I need a little more Yoda in my life: "Do or do not do. There is no try." I have the power to make a choice about which way I want to go on certain things. I need to be choosing better. Heck, I need to be choosing at all. 4. I am a horrible penpal. I say this not because I don't like writing to other people, but because I am horribly impatient...

I was sitting here thinking just now that the reason it must feel so eerily quiet and creepy when the power goes out is because there is no hum from all the devices we're so used to hearing as "white noise" all the time. My fish tank, the fan on the computer, the tangible static buzz from the TV system. Yesterday I spent my day hearing all sorts of things. My alarm clock - early. MK, a girl from my volleyball team, as we chatted in the car on the way out to Harper's Ferry (though I got to just hear for awhile too, because for some reason silences don't feel to awkward with her). The river and the rapids as I floated along the Potomac and then the Shenandoah on a tube. Laughter from my fellow river riders, animals, the wind, insects buzzing, nature. The waterfall as I reached the sandy shore. Then later from the roof of my townhouse, the fireworks as they rattled the sky over near National Harbor. My roommates and their friends enjoying each others company....

If I were on trial for masochism, I would be found guilty. Very, very guilty. I was reading this study today about how physical actions actually incite emotional responses. So, for example, if you're forced to frown (because you have to hold a pen between your lips - not your teeth), you'll find things less funny and you'll be more unhappy. It seems to be true. Which is why I've been working really hard to try and smile and get out more and do things with my friends - lots of exciting plans this weekend. Because I need to be done being masochistic. Because hibernating is bad for my health (I am not a bear, and besides, it isn't winter in this hemisphere). Because the truth is, things don't get better just because time passes. Time passes and your brain helps you fade the edges of the memories that seem to attack you at unsuspecting moments. Time saps their strength so they can't come out and haunt you as often. People call it forgetting. The curse of ...