Thursday, July 30, 2009

Perfectly Reasonable

I like to think of myself as a perfectly reasonable person.

Except when I'm not.

Of the four things that are bugging me right now, the one that is the most annoying is the one I have the least control over and the one - for all intents and purposes - I should care about the least at this point.

However, it seems as if any logical argument or reasonable way of doing things goes completely out the window when I'm involved. It's like I'm my very own bad luck charm.

I really hope God will humor me and explain this one day, because I'm sure there has got to be a good reason for all of this. Or there doesn't and this ridiculous anxiety is for someone else's greater good.

Boo. I refuse to be perfectly reasonable tonight.

I think I'll make pancakes for dinner.

Love always, ~Heather

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Points of Order

1. I'm going to be blogging even more intermittently than I am now for the next couple of weeks (hopefully less) because I so rarely have Internet access at home. Comcast is just about the suckiest service I've ever had in my home, and with any luck I'll either be rid of them or they'll have fixed everything VERY soon.

2. Cleaning my room less than once a month results in an unseemly mess. I obviously need to have more house guests so I feel more inclined to pick up after myself. Motivation, baby. Won't you be mine?

3. I feel like I've been trying really hard to do a number of things lately. I think I need a little more Yoda in my life: "Do or do not do. There is no try." I have the power to make a choice about which way I want to go on certain things. I need to be choosing better. Heck, I need to be choosing at all.

4. I am a horrible penpal. I say this not because I don't like writing to other people, but because I am horribly impatient for them to respond. It is probably the most conceited thing about me that I assume that if someone is important to me or that I'm thinking of them it follows that they consider me important and are thinking of me too. Truth is, that's a whole lot of self-flattery that is going to get me nowhere.

5. Instead, I need to focus on the awesome people - like Caroline, who sent me the most exquisite souvenir from her time in India. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again next winter.

6. I should be watering both the front and back yards more. We spent a lot of energy getting everything planted properly. I should definitely be maintaining our investment.

7. I am blessed with an amazing family. I hope they know that I love them loads and couldn't truly live without them.

8. Is 2 cubed or 2 times four or ten minus 2.

9. If I put on makeup and cute clothes, I fully intend to go out and show myself off. In any other world but the one I live in, this would be completely obvious to other people.

10. There is a big change a-coming. I don't know what yet, but something constant in my world is going to be a bit less constant in the near future. I can feel it.

11. Love always,


P.S. The quotes of the day on the blog are so often accurate. "The most effective way to do it, is to do it." ~ Amelia Earhart

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Hearing Things

I was sitting here thinking just now that the reason it must feel so eerily quiet and creepy when the power goes out is because there is no hum from all the devices we're so used to hearing as "white noise" all the time. My fish tank, the fan on the computer, the tangible static buzz from the TV system.

Yesterday I spent my day hearing all sorts of things. My alarm clock - early. MK, a girl from my volleyball team, as we chatted in the car on the way out to Harper's Ferry (though I got to just hear for awhile too, because for some reason silences don't feel to awkward with her). The river and the rapids as I floated along the Potomac and then the Shenandoah on a tube. Laughter from my fellow river riders, animals, the wind, insects buzzing, nature. The waterfall as I reached the sandy shore.

Then later from the roof of my townhouse, the fireworks as they rattled the sky over near National Harbor. My roommates and their friends enjoying each others company. My family members' voices on the phone. Trixie, a visiting dog, moaning like an inappropriate film. One of my nearest and dearest as she exhibited strength that I've watched build in her over the past couple of months.

I heard all these things, and I know I missed more. There are so many sounds out there. So many experiences my ears haven't yet recognized. It's such an adventure. And I can't wait to hear more.

Love always, ~Heather

Thursday, July 02, 2009

We the jury...

If I were on trial for masochism, I would be found guilty.

Very, very guilty.

I was reading this study today about how physical actions actually incite emotional responses. So, for example, if you're forced to frown (because you have to hold a pen between your lips - not your teeth), you'll find things less funny and you'll be more unhappy. It seems to be true.

Which is why I've been working really hard to try and smile and get out more and do things with my friends - lots of exciting plans this weekend.

Because I need to be done being masochistic. Because hibernating is bad for my health (I am not a bear, and besides, it isn't winter in this hemisphere). Because the truth is, things don't get better just because time passes. Time passes and your brain helps you fade the edges of the memories that seem to attack you at unsuspecting moments. Time saps their strength so they can't come out and haunt you as often. People call it forgetting.

The curse of a memory like mine - and many would say I have an arguably brilliant memory - is that I don't forget. Time helps me as it helps everyone else, but the number of details that flash before my eyes ... it would give an epileptic a seizure. Soon, these memories will be photoshopped into the collage of history, my epic timeline. There, they will sit and wait for their moment. The moment they can sneak out and attack.

I've always given them the chance before. The old memories ... they had time, I gave them as much fodder as they needed and they stayed strong for ages past their expiration. These memories...they won't get that chance. I plan to feed them the poison of my happiness. Of hours on the Shenandoah River with some of the greatest teammates a girl could have. Of fireworks on the National Mall (or maybe from a rooftop, we'll see). Of family and friends and laughter.

I hope time will give me a hand, but in the mean time, if I'm going to be guilty, I might as well be guilty of doing something fun.

Love always, ~Heather